------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
December
26
My dearest Tommy:
Imagine my stunned surprise when I opened the door and found your wonderful gift: Damodar and a spree of dragons on my doorsteps. The dragons are spectacular, really exquisitely beautiful. Damodar is quite charming (though his blue lips are a bit startling) and says he’ll make sure the dragons behave themselves. He seems like the sort who can get dragons (and people) to do what he wants. He said they won’t be much bother since they fly off every night for a midnight show in Vegas. My neighbors are jealous.
You are SO creative. Many, many thanks.
Your dearest devoted friend,
Tina
Link to 2nd Day Page
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December 27
Wow. Today the two privates parading arrived on my doorstep. They are so darling! That Pvt. Cartwright is a real cutie pie. The two of them sing and dance and are so entertaining. We had a great time! Men never looked so good in makeup. ;)
I’ve put them up in the guest bedroom.
Your dearest friend,
Tina
Link to 3rd Day Page
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December 28
Dear Tom:
Today the three Ravagers arrived. Isn’t this a bit quirky? That Cooper fellow is real yummy but Clean is a bit weird, what with that ooze dripping from his face and all. And frankly, dear friend, the two privates had to subdue him and the Berserker with their rifle butts and a tear gas grenade. Don’t be offended but we had to have the two of them hauled off to the local psych ward for a 72-hour lockup.
Cooper was real nice about it and seemed a bit embarrassed. I’m sure they’ll be fine.
Your devoted friend,
Tina
Link to 4th Day
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December 29
Dear Tommy:
Wow, this is a bit more like it. The four doctors are indeed dazzling. That Dr. Burton is such a sweetheart, what an endearing smile. I never had a doctor this cute when I was in the hospital, that’s for sure. And that Dr. Baker—how suave he is. I just love his British accent. Dr. Quinn and I had a great time together. Her frontier stories are quite remarkable. But Dr. Kildare keeps eyeing Dr. Burton and Dr. Baker in a funny way, if you know what I mean.
It’s beginning to get a little bit crowded here but we’re managing. Dr. Quinn is sharing my room and Dr. Baker and Dr. Burton are staying on the living room sectional couches. They made Dr. Kildare sleep on the floor near the TV.
Your dear friend,
Tina
Link to the 5th Day
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December 30
Dear Tommy:
I am overwhelmed—five kilted Celts. You know how I love all things Celtic! Boudicca is a real trip—what a cool kick-butt woman. She and Dr. Quinn hit it off right away. We’ve got her bunked down in my room. She seems to be a real hearty sort and doesn’t mind sleeping on the floor.
Cuchulain has been swapping great stories about Celtic battles with Boudicca, really entertaining in a way but just a bit gory for my tastes. Yuck.
But Duncan and Jacob keep bickering. Don’t know why they can’t get along, what with them both being Scottish and all. Jacob nicked Duncan with his sword—playing too rough, I guess—and Dr. Quinn had to patch him up. He didn’t seem to mind Dr. Quinn’s attention, if you know what I mean. Jacob looked a bit peeved. I think he was jealous.
The Scottish piper was a treat too. At least for the first few songs. You know how much I love bagpipes but frankly, Tom, not at 3am in the morning. Jacob had a word with him and he quieted down. Real fast. Jacob has that effect on people.
The living room floor is getting a bit crowded, however, and I’ve run out of blankets.
Your friend,
Tina
Link to 6th Day page
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December 31
Dear Tom:
Oh, you dear, you remembered how much I love spies. But really, six of them is just a trifle extravagant, don’t you think? That Jurgen is a real looker; I do so love the mysterious type. But he seems to have a thing for Nikita. Can’t blame him, she’s stunning. She and Boudicca have been swapping “war” stories—now, there’s two women who can kick serious derriere, and I mean serious!
But that guy Michael is a bit of a downer. Doesn’t have much to say. He keeps looking daggers at Jurgen. Does he have a thing for Nikita too?
James, Jim and Jimmy are a trip. That British suaveness again. And so gorgeous. But just a bit aggravating too. They keep trying to make time with Nikita and Jurgen is pretty steamed. Nikita is cool about it, though. She just laughs it off. Jurgen is obviously her main squeeze. Michael seems indifferent, what’s up with him?
However, the floor space is pretty much gone in both bedrooms and the living room. Some of them are sleeping under the dining room table. You must really stop. We’re having fun but I haven’t got any more room. Really!
Best,
Tina
Link to 7th Day page
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January 1
Tom
What’s with the seven sailors? I mean, isn’t this a bit much? I appreciate the thought and all but haven’t you gone too far? They’re not just saluting, they’re swearing up a storm. I’m no prude but really now, I don’t need to hear this stuff all day long. That Major Baker (he says he’s pulling double duty) is OK--he’s a real gentleman—but Sinbad and that Long John Silver are real foul-mouths—and in several different languages too. I can now say s**t in Russian, Greek, Arabic and Welsh. Great. Just what I needed. Fletcher doesn’t seem to be into swearing, I guess, but he mumbles so bad that I’m not sure what he IS saying. But that weirdo Popeye keeps bugging me for spinach—and I HATE spinach. And that nasty little corncob pipe of his has got to go. I told him in no uncertain terms that he couldn’t smoke inside. I made him and Sinbad and the other sailors (who were kind of grungy, actually) sleep up in the attic.
I know you’re trying to entertain me in a special way but enough is enough. PLEASE no more gifts! My neighbors are starting to look at me funny. One of them even asked what I thought I was doing, running a motel or something. I told him to buzz off.
Tina
Link to 8th Day page
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January 2
DAMN IT, Tom
NO MORE GIFTS, PLEASE! These eight Romans are running amok in the house, rushing everywhere, knocking over furniture, tripping over the other guests. I told them to knock it off or else. Jacob and Jurgen both got a bit threatening with them and they calmed down for a while. That Domitian is real handsome, I admit, but he keeps demanding that people worship him as a god. Really now, this is just too much! I told him he could stay in the basement and let the spiders worship him. He didn’t look too pleased but the three Bonds finally made themselves useful (Nikita had just told them to shove off) and kind of invited him and his Roman friends down the steps real fast. What a pest.
That is, all of them except that poor Marcello and his friend Sophia. They just seem befuddled so we let them stay upstairs. He keeps muttering something about “where’s Fellini?”
I put the Augustus statue out in the back yard but the dragons knocked over it over and broke it. They’re scorching my plants and flowers too, to say nothing of my charred lawn furniture. I am NOT amused.
And I’m now totally out of food. Why the hell couldn’t you send food inside of the damn Romans?! The two privates, bless their hearts, are pulling KP duty washing the dishes and cooking on the morning shift. Wouldn’t you know, the women have ended up taking over the noon and evening cooking and cleaning duties. Same old, same old. Most of the men seem to think they’re too good to clean up after themselves. The place is a pigsty!!
We’re eating in shifts now because I don’t have enough place settings. AND I NEED MORE FOOD!!
This has gone way too far. PLEASE STOP ALREADY!
Tina
Link to 9th Day page
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January 3
Mr. Smarty Pants
What the hell do you thinking you are doing? I told you to STOP WITH THE GIFTS! Are you blind and deaf? These nine werewolves are making an UNBELIEVABLE MESS! It’s bad enough that they’re shedding all over what’s left of my furniture and coughing up hairballs on the carpet, but their wailing and baying is disturbing the neighbors, who are already pissed at me big time anyway! They sicced Animal Control on me. Boy, did I have a hard time explaining the racket, to say nothing of the dragon poop in the backyard. Good thing the dragons were still on their way back from Vegas. I don’t know HOW I would have explained that! I’m going to have a word or two with that Damodar about the poop. He promised they wouldn’t be a problem but HE LIED!
If you don’t stop sending me these weirdoes, I am going to report you to the police for harassment. I thought you were my friend but apparently I was wrong. Even Dr. Burton and Dr. Quinn, who have been so understanding through all this, couldn’t keep me from crying myself to sleep at night.
Tina
Link to 10th Day page
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January 4
YOU BRAINLESS TWIT
THE TEN VAMPIRES ARE WAY OVER THE TOP!! WHAT WERE YOU THINKING? Excuse me, “thinking” is not the operative word here, is it? Have you gone totally bonkers? Do you really hate me that much? I’m never going to speak to you again. Your invitation to join me on my summer vacation is definitely cancelled. Permanently.
OK, the blond vampire might be kinda cool if it weren’t for those fangs of his, and the one with the tan is rather dashing (how does a VAMPIRE get a tan?!) but that one guy with the black cape keeps chattering about “the children of the night.” He’s driving me batty. That guy Vlad can’t speak a word of English and he smells bad. AND he keeps sticking knives into my furniture. MY GOOD FURNITURE! The rest are just too scary for words, especially that Nosferatu guy. Where DID you DIG him up?
My other guests had already holed up in the basement with Domitian and Julius last night. They decided they’d rather listen to Domitian whining than put up with the damn werewolves and all the fleas and mess upstairs. To say nothing about the smell of that dragon poop. Now, thanks to the vampires, they won’t even come upstairs for food (not that I have any left, but we were going to send out for pizza till the vampires showed up). We’re down to the emergency rations I had set aside for earthquakes and nuclear disaster. Which this is beginning to resemble. YOU CRAPHEAD.
My next door neighbors have called the cops. I turned off all the lights and wouldn’t answer the door. How can I explain why several neighbors seem to be missing and a bunch more look real anemic? To say nothing of the dragon poop.
The vampires have dug up the back yard and there’s dirt everywhere. All my flowers are totally destroyed and the SMELL IS MAKING THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SICK. I’m going to get even with that liar Damodar. To say nothing of you, you creep!
I’VE HAD IT WITH YOU, BUSTER. YOU’RE ON MY LIST AND I DON’T MEAN THE CHRISTMAS ONE!
Ms.Truefan to you
Link to the 11th Day page
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January 5
YOU ROTTEN LOWLIFE PIECE OF SLIME
I tried to sneak upstairs while the vampires and werewolves were sleeping off their night’s excesses—I shudder to imagine how many neighbors they decimated last night—and WHAT DO I FIND WAITING FOR ME? Eleven psychos slinking around what’s left of my poor house!!!!! HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME? WHAT HAVE I EVER DONE TO YOU TO DESERVE THIS?
Dr. Burton, who had some psychology training before he went into oncology, came upstairs with me. He said that Rane was definitely a combination of anti-social and narcissistic personality disorders. Kell too, that dirty rotten traitor. He sneaked upstairs last night when the rest of us were sleeping (rather fitfully, I might add) to join his cronies for this not-very-funny joke. Dr. Burton pegged Jack for a paranoid schizophrenic and Echo for either autism or aphasia, with a little borderline personality disorder thrown in for good measure. Lon seems like the stalker type. Great. And Freud would have a field day with Norman. Oh ick! Curly, Moe and Larry are merely “developmentally arrested,” he said, or possibly ADHD or maybe just badly in need of Prozac, he wasn’t sure which. I SAY THEY’RE ALL WACKO AND I WANT THEM OUT OF MY HOUSE NOW.
Jurgen, Nikita, the two privates, Julius, two of the three Bonds and I are coming after YOU, BUSTER. (The other Bond, Boudicca, Cuchulain, Cooper, the four docs and those pesky Romans are staying behind to protect the house and the sailors, who are now all too drunk to get up. I have no idea where they got the rum. Not from me, that’s for sure. My liquor cabinet was decimated by the sixth day.
YOU BETTER RUN AND HIDE REAL GOOD BECAUSE WE ARE COMING TO GET YOU! Jurgen lent me his Uzi; he has a Kalishnikov; the privates have their Enfields, and Nikita has a grenade launcher. Julius only has his sword but I didn’t have the heart to turn him away. (I think he was really fed up with Domitian’s whining and posturing and I don’t blame him one bit.) The two Bonds said they have some real special secret weapons that will come in handy. I don’t doubt it. Once they stopped sniffing around Nikita, they seemed to shape up.
THERE IS NO PLACE THAT’S SAFE FOR YOU NOW. WE WILL FIND YOU AND WHEN WE DO, YOU’RE HISTORY, YOU SCUMMY PIECE OF DRAGON TURD.
Formerly your friend in another lifetime,
Tina Truefan
Link to 12th Day page
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January 6
From the offices of Dewey, Cheetum and Howe, Attorneys at Law:
Mr. Toomuch:
Please be advised that our client, Ms. Tina Truefan, has asked us to obtain a restraining order to prevent you from contacting her in any way, including the “gifts” you have been harassing her with. You would also be well-advised to give yourself up to the authorities now. We fear Ms. Truefan may be taking matters into her own hands, along with some questionable colleagues whose intentions may not be the best.
We have also learned that a SWAT team has just surrounded Ms. Truefan’s house, complete with battering ram and tear gas grenades. It seems there was a report that twelve killers (cutting) have just arrived on the scene. Neighbors have also been complaining about several missing family members. The whole neighborhood is quite frankly in a panic.
Also please be advised that Ms. Truefan has requested that we immediately begin preparing a lawsuit, which will be for a considerable amount of money, we assure you. She estimated that repairs to her house alone will run to over $275,000, at the very least. This, of course, does not take into account damage to her reputation. We will suggest punitive damages of $500,000 and at least an additional $2,000,000 for Ms. Truefan’s shattered reputation.
You, sir, are in deep trouble, and we once again strongly urge you to give yourself up before it is too late.
Yours very sincerely,
Charles Dewey, Esq.
Attorney-at-Law
P.S.
We might also add that your “gift” of 12 killers (cutting) seems not entirely in keeping with the spirit of the holidays, particularly the standard wish in regard to “peace on earth, good will toward all.” Really now.
Back to Update
© copyright 2005-2008 Bruce's AngelsMy dearest Tommy:
Imagine my stunned surprise when I opened the door and found your wonderful gift: Damodar and a spree of dragons on my doorsteps. The dragons are spectacular, really exquisitely beautiful. Damodar is quite charming (though his blue lips are a bit startling) and says he’ll make sure the dragons behave themselves. He seems like the sort who can get dragons (and people) to do what he wants. He said they won’t be much bother since they fly off every night for a midnight show in Vegas. My neighbors are jealous.
You are SO creative. Many, many thanks.
Your dearest devoted friend,
Tina
Link to 2nd Day Page
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
December 27
Wow. Today the two privates parading arrived on my doorstep. They are so darling! That Pvt. Cartwright is a real cutie pie. The two of them sing and dance and are so entertaining. We had a great time! Men never looked so good in makeup. ;)
I’ve put them up in the guest bedroom.
Your dearest friend,
Tina
Link to 3rd Day Page
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December 28
Dear Tom:
Today the three Ravagers arrived. Isn’t this a bit quirky? That Cooper fellow is real yummy but Clean is a bit weird, what with that ooze dripping from his face and all. And frankly, dear friend, the two privates had to subdue him and the Berserker with their rifle butts and a tear gas grenade. Don’t be offended but we had to have the two of them hauled off to the local psych ward for a 72-hour lockup.
Cooper was real nice about it and seemed a bit embarrassed. I’m sure they’ll be fine.
Your devoted friend,
Tina
Link to 4th Day
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December 29
Dear Tommy:
Wow, this is a bit more like it. The four doctors are indeed dazzling. That Dr. Burton is such a sweetheart, what an endearing smile. I never had a doctor this cute when I was in the hospital, that’s for sure. And that Dr. Baker—how suave he is. I just love his British accent. Dr. Quinn and I had a great time together. Her frontier stories are quite remarkable. But Dr. Kildare keeps eyeing Dr. Burton and Dr. Baker in a funny way, if you know what I mean.
It’s beginning to get a little bit crowded here but we’re managing. Dr. Quinn is sharing my room and Dr. Baker and Dr. Burton are staying on the living room sectional couches. They made Dr. Kildare sleep on the floor near the TV.
Your dear friend,
Tina
Link to the 5th Day
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December 30
Dear Tommy:
I am overwhelmed—five kilted Celts. You know how I love all things Celtic! Boudicca is a real trip—what a cool kick-butt woman. She and Dr. Quinn hit it off right away. We’ve got her bunked down in my room. She seems to be a real hearty sort and doesn’t mind sleeping on the floor.
Cuchulain has been swapping great stories about Celtic battles with Boudicca, really entertaining in a way but just a bit gory for my tastes. Yuck.
But Duncan and Jacob keep bickering. Don’t know why they can’t get along, what with them both being Scottish and all. Jacob nicked Duncan with his sword—playing too rough, I guess—and Dr. Quinn had to patch him up. He didn’t seem to mind Dr. Quinn’s attention, if you know what I mean. Jacob looked a bit peeved. I think he was jealous.
The Scottish piper was a treat too. At least for the first few songs. You know how much I love bagpipes but frankly, Tom, not at 3am in the morning. Jacob had a word with him and he quieted down. Real fast. Jacob has that effect on people.
The living room floor is getting a bit crowded, however, and I’ve run out of blankets.
Your friend,
Tina
Link to 6th Day page
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December 31
Dear Tom:
Oh, you dear, you remembered how much I love spies. But really, six of them is just a trifle extravagant, don’t you think? That Jurgen is a real looker; I do so love the mysterious type. But he seems to have a thing for Nikita. Can’t blame him, she’s stunning. She and Boudicca have been swapping “war” stories—now, there’s two women who can kick serious derriere, and I mean serious!
But that guy Michael is a bit of a downer. Doesn’t have much to say. He keeps looking daggers at Jurgen. Does he have a thing for Nikita too?
James, Jim and Jimmy are a trip. That British suaveness again. And so gorgeous. But just a bit aggravating too. They keep trying to make time with Nikita and Jurgen is pretty steamed. Nikita is cool about it, though. She just laughs it off. Jurgen is obviously her main squeeze. Michael seems indifferent, what’s up with him?
However, the floor space is pretty much gone in both bedrooms and the living room. Some of them are sleeping under the dining room table. You must really stop. We’re having fun but I haven’t got any more room. Really!
Best,
Tina
Link to 7th Day page
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January 1
Tom
What’s with the seven sailors? I mean, isn’t this a bit much? I appreciate the thought and all but haven’t you gone too far? They’re not just saluting, they’re swearing up a storm. I’m no prude but really now, I don’t need to hear this stuff all day long. That Major Baker (he says he’s pulling double duty) is OK--he’s a real gentleman—but Sinbad and that Long John Silver are real foul-mouths—and in several different languages too. I can now say s**t in Russian, Greek, Arabic and Welsh. Great. Just what I needed. Fletcher doesn’t seem to be into swearing, I guess, but he mumbles so bad that I’m not sure what he IS saying. But that weirdo Popeye keeps bugging me for spinach—and I HATE spinach. And that nasty little corncob pipe of his has got to go. I told him in no uncertain terms that he couldn’t smoke inside. I made him and Sinbad and the other sailors (who were kind of grungy, actually) sleep up in the attic.
I know you’re trying to entertain me in a special way but enough is enough. PLEASE no more gifts! My neighbors are starting to look at me funny. One of them even asked what I thought I was doing, running a motel or something. I told him to buzz off.
Tina
Link to 8th Day page
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January 2
DAMN IT, Tom
NO MORE GIFTS, PLEASE! These eight Romans are running amok in the house, rushing everywhere, knocking over furniture, tripping over the other guests. I told them to knock it off or else. Jacob and Jurgen both got a bit threatening with them and they calmed down for a while. That Domitian is real handsome, I admit, but he keeps demanding that people worship him as a god. Really now, this is just too much! I told him he could stay in the basement and let the spiders worship him. He didn’t look too pleased but the three Bonds finally made themselves useful (Nikita had just told them to shove off) and kind of invited him and his Roman friends down the steps real fast. What a pest.
That is, all of them except that poor Marcello and his friend Sophia. They just seem befuddled so we let them stay upstairs. He keeps muttering something about “where’s Fellini?”
I put the Augustus statue out in the back yard but the dragons knocked over it over and broke it. They’re scorching my plants and flowers too, to say nothing of my charred lawn furniture. I am NOT amused.
And I’m now totally out of food. Why the hell couldn’t you send food inside of the damn Romans?! The two privates, bless their hearts, are pulling KP duty washing the dishes and cooking on the morning shift. Wouldn’t you know, the women have ended up taking over the noon and evening cooking and cleaning duties. Same old, same old. Most of the men seem to think they’re too good to clean up after themselves. The place is a pigsty!!
We’re eating in shifts now because I don’t have enough place settings. AND I NEED MORE FOOD!!
This has gone way too far. PLEASE STOP ALREADY!
Tina
Link to 9th Day page
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January 3
Mr. Smarty Pants
What the hell do you thinking you are doing? I told you to STOP WITH THE GIFTS! Are you blind and deaf? These nine werewolves are making an UNBELIEVABLE MESS! It’s bad enough that they’re shedding all over what’s left of my furniture and coughing up hairballs on the carpet, but their wailing and baying is disturbing the neighbors, who are already pissed at me big time anyway! They sicced Animal Control on me. Boy, did I have a hard time explaining the racket, to say nothing of the dragon poop in the backyard. Good thing the dragons were still on their way back from Vegas. I don’t know HOW I would have explained that! I’m going to have a word or two with that Damodar about the poop. He promised they wouldn’t be a problem but HE LIED!
If you don’t stop sending me these weirdoes, I am going to report you to the police for harassment. I thought you were my friend but apparently I was wrong. Even Dr. Burton and Dr. Quinn, who have been so understanding through all this, couldn’t keep me from crying myself to sleep at night.
Tina
Link to 10th Day page
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January 4
YOU BRAINLESS TWIT
THE TEN VAMPIRES ARE WAY OVER THE TOP!! WHAT WERE YOU THINKING? Excuse me, “thinking” is not the operative word here, is it? Have you gone totally bonkers? Do you really hate me that much? I’m never going to speak to you again. Your invitation to join me on my summer vacation is definitely cancelled. Permanently.
OK, the blond vampire might be kinda cool if it weren’t for those fangs of his, and the one with the tan is rather dashing (how does a VAMPIRE get a tan?!) but that one guy with the black cape keeps chattering about “the children of the night.” He’s driving me batty. That guy Vlad can’t speak a word of English and he smells bad. AND he keeps sticking knives into my furniture. MY GOOD FURNITURE! The rest are just too scary for words, especially that Nosferatu guy. Where DID you DIG him up?
My other guests had already holed up in the basement with Domitian and Julius last night. They decided they’d rather listen to Domitian whining than put up with the damn werewolves and all the fleas and mess upstairs. To say nothing about the smell of that dragon poop. Now, thanks to the vampires, they won’t even come upstairs for food (not that I have any left, but we were going to send out for pizza till the vampires showed up). We’re down to the emergency rations I had set aside for earthquakes and nuclear disaster. Which this is beginning to resemble. YOU CRAPHEAD.
My next door neighbors have called the cops. I turned off all the lights and wouldn’t answer the door. How can I explain why several neighbors seem to be missing and a bunch more look real anemic? To say nothing of the dragon poop.
The vampires have dug up the back yard and there’s dirt everywhere. All my flowers are totally destroyed and the SMELL IS MAKING THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SICK. I’m going to get even with that liar Damodar. To say nothing of you, you creep!
I’VE HAD IT WITH YOU, BUSTER. YOU’RE ON MY LIST AND I DON’T MEAN THE CHRISTMAS ONE!
Ms.Truefan to you
Link to the 11th Day page
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
January 5
YOU ROTTEN LOWLIFE PIECE OF SLIME
I tried to sneak upstairs while the vampires and werewolves were sleeping off their night’s excesses—I shudder to imagine how many neighbors they decimated last night—and WHAT DO I FIND WAITING FOR ME? Eleven psychos slinking around what’s left of my poor house!!!!! HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME? WHAT HAVE I EVER DONE TO YOU TO DESERVE THIS?
Dr. Burton, who had some psychology training before he went into oncology, came upstairs with me. He said that Rane was definitely a combination of anti-social and narcissistic personality disorders. Kell too, that dirty rotten traitor. He sneaked upstairs last night when the rest of us were sleeping (rather fitfully, I might add) to join his cronies for this not-very-funny joke. Dr. Burton pegged Jack for a paranoid schizophrenic and Echo for either autism or aphasia, with a little borderline personality disorder thrown in for good measure. Lon seems like the stalker type. Great. And Freud would have a field day with Norman. Oh ick! Curly, Moe and Larry are merely “developmentally arrested,” he said, or possibly ADHD or maybe just badly in need of Prozac, he wasn’t sure which. I SAY THEY’RE ALL WACKO AND I WANT THEM OUT OF MY HOUSE NOW.
Jurgen, Nikita, the two privates, Julius, two of the three Bonds and I are coming after YOU, BUSTER. (The other Bond, Boudicca, Cuchulain, Cooper, the four docs and those pesky Romans are staying behind to protect the house and the sailors, who are now all too drunk to get up. I have no idea where they got the rum. Not from me, that’s for sure. My liquor cabinet was decimated by the sixth day.
YOU BETTER RUN AND HIDE REAL GOOD BECAUSE WE ARE COMING TO GET YOU! Jurgen lent me his Uzi; he has a Kalishnikov; the privates have their Enfields, and Nikita has a grenade launcher. Julius only has his sword but I didn’t have the heart to turn him away. (I think he was really fed up with Domitian’s whining and posturing and I don’t blame him one bit.) The two Bonds said they have some real special secret weapons that will come in handy. I don’t doubt it. Once they stopped sniffing around Nikita, they seemed to shape up.
THERE IS NO PLACE THAT’S SAFE FOR YOU NOW. WE WILL FIND YOU AND WHEN WE DO, YOU’RE HISTORY, YOU SCUMMY PIECE OF DRAGON TURD.
Formerly your friend in another lifetime,
Tina Truefan
Link to 12th Day page
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
January 6
From the offices of Dewey, Cheetum and Howe, Attorneys at Law:
Mr. Toomuch:
Please be advised that our client, Ms. Tina Truefan, has asked us to obtain a restraining order to prevent you from contacting her in any way, including the “gifts” you have been harassing her with. You would also be well-advised to give yourself up to the authorities now. We fear Ms. Truefan may be taking matters into her own hands, along with some questionable colleagues whose intentions may not be the best.
We have also learned that a SWAT team has just surrounded Ms. Truefan’s house, complete with battering ram and tear gas grenades. It seems there was a report that twelve killers (cutting) have just arrived on the scene. Neighbors have also been complaining about several missing family members. The whole neighborhood is quite frankly in a panic.
Also please be advised that Ms. Truefan has requested that we immediately begin preparing a lawsuit, which will be for a considerable amount of money, we assure you. She estimated that repairs to her house alone will run to over $275,000, at the very least. This, of course, does not take into account damage to her reputation. We will suggest punitive damages of $500,000 and at least an additional $2,000,000 for Ms. Truefan’s shattered reputation.
You, sir, are in deep trouble, and we once again strongly urge you to give yourself up before it is too late.
Yours very sincerely,
Charles Dewey, Esq.
Attorney-at-Law
P.S.
We might also add that your “gift” of 12 killers (cutting) seems not entirely in keeping with the spirit of the holidays, particularly the standard wish in regard to “peace on earth, good will toward all.” Really now.
Back to Update